Sasuke's Journa
by KindAngel123
Summary: A story of Sasuke's thought written in a Journal and how those changed when he met a certain girl. Please read!


**_Sasuke's Journal_**

**_Entry 1_**

**_Loneliness. A familiar word to one who has spent his life without the thing that brings happiness, one who has never seen the sun's rays rise up over the hilltop and one who has lived his life in an unsightly way. A familiar word to one who considers himself an avenger.There is nothing here for me. I am a wretched being afraid of what lies ahead. Yet I look forward to tomorrow with the hatred in my heart being the only thing of me that is living. I am tired of this life. I am tired of the nightmares that visit me every night. I am tired of the people who try to relate to me when they cannot. I am tried of being weak.I was the number one rookie of my class, and yet I feel weaker than the rest. How can this be? Maybe I have been deceived. Maybe everyone who ever told me I was strong was a liar. Maybe I will never be able to fulfill my revenge.Revenge. A sweet lullaby whispered in my ear. How I long for the day when it will be complete. How I long for the day when I can finally be free from its bondage. How I long for the day when the glow comes back to my cheeks. How I long for the day when I can finally love another. Yes. That is what I truly wish for... happiness. And yet, it's so very far away._**

**_ Entry 2_**

**_I looked in the mirror this morning and whom did I see? Not the boy I once knew a long time ago, who treasured life and loved it to its full extent and who was once happy.No, I saw none of this.Instead I saw a child. A child without a face, without an identity. A child without hope. This hatred has consumed me to the point where I have forgotten who I once was. I have forgotten what it's like to feel the warmth of another, how to live, how to love, how to...But none of that matters now.No... I must live through this anguish so that one day I may be able to go back and remember who I used to be. Go back and remember the real me not this fool I am hiding behind. It will all be worth it someday.Someday.And someday I will finally be free... _**

**_Entry 3_**

**_Why is it that sometimes you take things for granted? Why can't you realize it the first time instead of searching for something that was already found? I discovered a treasure today. A wonderful treasure that was right under my nose. A spectacular treasure that has been lifting my spirits little by little with out my consent. This treasure has done amazing things for me. This treasure has unlocked a power inside. A power that I have finally been able to unleash. A power that will separate me from that of weakness.I thought I had died. I thought that my live had been stolen away from me. I was afraid. I thought that my time in this world was over and I would never be able to avenge the ones I loved. I hated him. I hated everything he was. I hated how I sacrificed myself for him without even giving it a second thought. I hated how he held me as I thought I took my final breath. But as I closed my eyes, I seemed to accept him. The hatred I felt for him inside lessened and I began to appreciate the first half of the treasure. I slowly faded, was lost in a world of darkness. Surrounded by everything that was empty. Surrounded by everything that was black. I had fallen into a vast space of nothing.But it suddenly ended.The light came back to me. I opened my eyes and saw the other half of the treasure. She was leaning on me. She was... crying? For me? Did she really care that much for someone who constantly pushed her away? I didn't know what to say, so I said the first thing that came to my mind:"You're heavy."But she was happy. She was ecstatic to see the one she cared for so much open his eyes and acknowledge her. I saw it in her. I saw it in her bright brown eyes. It was warm. I didn't know what it was at first because I hadn't seen it in a very long time. But then I realized what it was. She had the same look in her eyes as my mother did. The same look of adoration. The same look of tenderness. The same look of unconditional... love. It took me completely by surprise.I...I don't know if I particularly like this treasure, and in the end all of this will probably just lead to unwanted feelings.But...It is kind of nice to know that they care.I guess... _**

**_Entry 4_**

**_I honestly don't get it. It seems like the more I push them away, the more they drool over me. I can't stand it. How can they 'like' me if they know absolutely nothing about me in the first place? I don't understand the mentality of girls. But what do they see in me? What makes them melt every time I walk past them? What makes them think that I am the most handsome guy in town? Am I really that good looking? I never thought so. I always thought that I was just an average looking guy black hair, black eyes nothing special. But obviously I am something special to them. I am so confused. I try to be as distant as possible and yet somehow I end up being the most popular guy in the class. Why are people drawn to me? Can't they see that all I long for is solitude?Well...I guess it's not so bad having Sakura, Kiki, and Kakashi around but Naruto...He's just so...I can't believe that I almost risked everything for that idiot. But why did my body just move on its own like that? Do I think of him as more than an idiot deep inside? I don't know what it is about Naruto, but there's an aura about him that is just so intimidating. It seems almost inhuman. I overheard some adults talking about a monstrous demon sealed inside of a twelve-year-old boy once before. They said that the boy had the potential to become one of the strongest ninjas ever in the history of the Leaf Village with the help of that demon. That boy could become stronger than Kakashi and I. That boy could even become stronger than... him.Could it be that Naruto...?What am I talking about? Naruto can't even control his charka correctly. Even Sakura surpassed him in charka control.No, it can't be him...Right? _**

**_Entry 5_**

**_I can't sleep. No, it's not that I can't; I don't want to. I woke up in a cold sweat, my heart racing, breathing heavily.He visited me again. He visited my dream no. He visited my nightmare. The same nightmare that has been haunting my sleep since I was a young boy. Every night I fear of sleep for I know that this night could be the night when I see him again. This could be the night when I relive my past and watch... Watch him... father and mother...I can't stand it anymore. How long will I have to live like this? When will I find the light in the darkness? When will I find the end to my struggles? When will I be able to have a real life? When will I finally be able to bring out the real me...?I try to ignore it as much as I can, but there's a piece of me that has been in hiding and desperately longs to come out. It longs to show me what life is all about. It longs to show me how to live, and how to... love.I need to get rid of it. I need to get rid of it before it takes over me and I lose what I have been seeking for all these years. Since the incident I haven't been pursing anything but revenge. I have not sought out friends for myself, nor have I sought out something to comfort my lonely heart. I decided long ago that I would no longer carry emotions or feelings. I decided long ago that those two things just hindered me from growing stronger. Growing stronger is everything to me. Without strength I am weak. With weakness I cannot fulfill my objective.But...What will happen if I am able to defeat him? What will happen after? Will I be able to go back to how I once was long ago? How I once was when the world was nothing like it is now? Will I ever be able to love again? And if I do, who will be my lover? Will it be... her? No, I can't dwell on these thoughts now. I must live for today, not for tomorrow. I must stay focused so that someday, someday I can...Live for tomorrow. _**

**_Entry6_**

**_That day on that mission seeing her trying to protect me. _**

**_Kiki_**

**_I never knew she felt anything for me. Even though she tried to make me look at her, I always pushed her away. I had seen her eyes filled with love before but I had forgotten. _**

**_But today was different_**

**_The shy girl I once thought I knew was different. She was giving her life even with the thought of me not caring about her attempts. I yelled her to stop but see kept trying to make me acknowledge her. Why would she sacrifice her life to try to get noticed? Did she really care about me that much? I don't understand the way she works. I knew I always hated her and shunned her like I did Sakura but she had the same feelings as her just she showed them in a different way. Sakura did everything to try to get noticed by me. She kept quiet and all to herself. She loved to smile though and turned a very noticeable shade of red everytime I passed by. _**

**_That day I felt loved for the first time._**

**_No! Sasuke don't let yourself get tricked by that feeling. Then I saw her unconscious almost_**

**_lifeless body hit the ground. I ran to her and suddenly a tear fell out of my eye. What? I thought. Why would I shed tears for her is it that… I - no I can't feel that way. _**

**_Then I was hit by a kunai a fell unconscious on the floor. _**

**_Entry7_**

**_I woke up by the sound of voices, then a hug. I thought it was Sakura and hoping it was Kiki but to my surprise I saw that Naruto had caught me in the embrace. Sakura was yelling at him to let me go. Then I got up and after Naruto and Sakura had left I asked Kakashi where Kiki was. He told me that she had already woken up and went home because she was to embarrassed to face me. I got up and asked if I could leave. Kakashi said I should rest more but I didn't listen._**

**_I decided to go to her house just to visit and ask her a few questions. I got to her house and knocked a few times. I heard footsteps then the door open. She had a surprised look on her face. Then she tried to close the door but she didn't see me go inside. She turned around and then turned a very noticeable shade of pink. Then I realized I was about two inches away from her face. Just to make her blush more I took a step towards her. She saw what I was doing and took a step back. This kept going on until her back hit the door. Then for some reason my body kept moving towards her and then our lips met._**

**_I kissed her_**

**_Her kiss felt warm but she was too surprised to return it. Then I wrapped my arms around her waist and kept kissing her. She put her hands around my neck and returned the kiss passionately. Then she broke the kiss, apparently out of breath. Then for some reason she started crying._**

**_That hurt me_**

**_I had never seen her that upset. I hugged her and she cried in my shirt. Then after her cries turned to hiccups I asked what was wrong. She told me that in her whole life after her whole clan died no one had given her love. She also said that I was the first person to ever return her feelings. She then smiled and told me it would be better if I went home. She said that she wanted to go to bed. I gave her a hug and left._**

**_Entry8_**

**_The next day I went to Kiki's house in the morning but she wasn't there. Then I went to look for her. I found her near a pond. No one was around since today was a morning festival and there was no school. She looked really relaxed. Then she looked around. Since I was behind a tree she didn't see me. Then she started singing. The song was called Breathing._**

**_ Eyes are feeling heavy but they never seem to close  
The fan blades on the ceiling spin but the air is never cold  
And even though you are next to me I still feel so alone  
I just can't give you anything for you to call your own_**

And I can feel you breathing  
And it's keeping me awake  
Can you feel it beating?  
My heart's sinking like a weight

Something I've been keeping locked away behind my lips  
I can feel it breaking free with each and every kiss  
I couldn't bear to hurt you but it's all so different now  
Things that I was sure of, they have filled me up with doubt

And I can feel you breathing  
And it's keeping me awake  
Can you feel it beating?  
My heart's sinking like a weight

I can feel you breathing  
It's keeping me awake  
Could you stop my heart? It's always beating.  
Sinking like a weight

How am I supposed to feel about the things I've done?  
I don't know if I should stay or turn around and run  
I know that I hurt you, things will never be the same  
The only love I ever knew, I threw it all away

And I can feel you breathing  
And it's keeping me awake  
Can you feel it beating?  
My heart's sinking like a weight

I can feel you breathing  
It's keeping me awake  
Could you stop my heart? It's always beating.  
Sinking like a weight 

**_That song was not showed how she felt inside. Then she asked me to come out. I was surprised that she knew I was there. She asked me what I wanted but she didn't face me. I walked towards her and sat next to her. I turned towards her and then she smiled at me and asked me the same question as the first time. I told her that I was curious about who killed her parents. Then she told me  
_**

**_Well you don't know this but my mother is from the Hyuga clan and my father was in the Uchiha clan. I have the Byakugan and the Sharingan because they had the bloodline limits. Well I also have another bloodline limit besides the Byakugan and Sharingan. I got this from my great grandma that's why my last name is Kururugi. The bloodline is the Shikigami. It's a spiritual bloodline that can be used to heal and purify souls. Well the person who killed my parents was jealous of the Kururugi clan. So he decided to kill the clan after he killed his own. The person who killed my mother, father, and the whole Kururugi clan was your brother Sasuke._**

**_This caught me off guard. Then she told me that she knew I would get like this. I told her that now I had more reason to kill my brother. Then she started to cry. She gave me a hug and told me she didn't want me to get hurt and made me promise that he wouldn't go looking for my older brother unless it was absolutely necessary. I told her that I excepted that promise only is she would promise to stop worrying about me. She said ok and I took her home._**

**_Entry9_**

**_Why? Why did I fall for her. There were lots of other girls out there but why did I choose her? I thought to myself. Maybe I chose her because she understands my pain, the pain of losing everybody you loved. I don't really understand. I wish I did. But i will never let her go no matter what. She is my true love and that won't ever change_****  
**


End file.
